Issue 8: Autumn/Winter 2020
Bereavement, Support for Freemasons and families
Life after caring
For those who care for an elderly, unwell or disabled family member, the responsibilities involved in looking after the physical and emotional needs of their loved ones leave little time to think about the future.
Unfortunately, if the person being cared for dies, the sudden absence of the routine that had filled the carer’s day-to-day life can leave a practical void, that makes the emotional loss even harder to cope with.
On an emotional level, people may struggle to find a purpose once they lose their identity as a carer who is relied upon every day. And on a financial level, the loss of income from Carers Allowance or other government benefits may cause problems – especially if you need to pay for a funeral.
We offer a wide range of support to help people through the transition after life as a full-time carer. For people like Doreen, Angela and Adrian, our support helped them find their feet again after years of caring.
Doreen, 83 years old
West Kent
“I was a carer for my husband for four years before he passed away last year. He had Alzheimer’s disease, which is a horrible condition. Caring for him was a lot of hard work, and the distress it caused both of us meant that in some ways it was a relief when he was finally laid to rest.
“During his illness we received a lot of help from the MCF including funding for a carer’s break, which gave me a bit of a rest.
“After Dennis died, my financial situation completely changed. He didn’t have any insurance, and I also lost the income from his pension and his benefits. His death was an enormous loss, and it felt like the last thing I needed was the stress of working out my finances.
“A gentleman from my husband’s Province came to visit me which was comforting. He made it very easy to apply for the changes to the support I would need now that Dennis was gone.
“The MCF offered to cover the costs of the funeral, which was a huge weight off my mind and they continue to offer funding to help me with my day-to-day living expenses. It’s still tough, but thanks to the MCF, I’m managing.
“It’s been a difficult transition, going from someone who is needed all hours of the day to not having as much to do. But I see my three sons regularly which helps a lot.
“Freemasonry was a big part of Dennis’ life, so it’s comforting that through the MCF, it is still a part of mine.
Angela, 46 years old
West Lancashire
“In September 2017, my mum was diagnosed with lung cancer so I moved myself and my two boys into her home so I could be her full-time carer.
“On her final round of chemo she came home and was very ill – more so than usual. The hospital told us to see the doctor the next day, which we did, and it was the doctor who phoned an ambulance straight away, as he was worried she had sepsis.
“Mum was rushed into our local Accident & Emergency, and I followed behind with my sister. Soon after arriving, mum took a turn for the worse and fell into a coma. The doctor took us into a family room and explained it was unlikely she’d wake up – we had to make the hardest decision of our lives to turn off her oxygen and wait for her to die.
“Going home was incredibly overwhelming. I wasn’t working as I had been my mum’s full-time carer, but I had two young boys to look after. Mum had helped financially, so losing her was losing an income – I remember thinking, “How am I going to do this, I have no money!” I wanted to give her a proper funeral but I just couldn’t afford to pay for it.
“Dad was a Freemason, so I got in touch with an Almoner who supported me in contacting the MCF. I had managed to get a government grant to cover half of the cost of the funeral and after hearing my situation, the MCF agreed to pay the difference and also provide grants to cover our daily living expenses. It was the light at the end of a very long, and dark tunnel and in all honesty, it saved me.
“The funeral was still very simple; I bought flowers from my local supermarket and made all the food myself, but I was so happy I could do this last thing for my mum.
“The continued support has allowed me to do things with the boys that I couldn’t have done after mum died. If I wanted to do something as a family, I would have struggled and saved all I could – the grants I receive have removed the pressure and I feel as though I can actually provide for my children. I can breathe again – the support has totally changed, and saved, my life.
Adrian, 54 years old
Cornwall
“In 2012 I had to give up work – partly because of my own health, but partly because I became a carer for both my parents. I’m an only child so when they reached their final years, it was down to me to look after them.
“After years as their carer, I lost both my parents within three years of each other – dad first, then mum. Emotionally I was drained, and financially I was destitute – having worked and saved all my life, I ended up spending it all on my parents.
“When they died, I struggled to look after myself financially and I slipped into a depression.
“I don’t have an income because I can’t work anymore and, although I receive benefits, this goes immediately on rent so I’m left with virtually nothing afterwards.
“My Almoner is a life-long friend and he got in touch with the MCF and helped me apply for a grant to cover the costs of my mother’s funeral. I was in such a state, I didn’t know what was going on so he helped me through the process. The MCF gave me a grant to cover the funeral costs and then carried on supporting me with costs to cover my daily living expenses.
“Without the support from the MCF, I genuinely don’t think I’d be here anymore. I still have dark days and it feels like only yesterday that I lost my parents, but I’m managing and so grateful for all the MCF has done for me.
